E.P.V.

May 31, 2012

I have no idea why I have been having such amazing luck with guys this past month. I’ve been on a handful of pretty amazing first dates with guys that want to see me happy. it’s been amazing!

so out of that handful, i narrowed it down to two guys. one lives in CO and the other in NM. the guy that lives in CO was so sweet to me, we have the same birthday, the same personality, the same everything but he wanted to rush into something big really soon. the guy here is gorgeous, he is a southern gentleman, he respects me, he genuinely wants whats best for me, he never rushes me, he does anything to put a smile on my face. i had to choose between the two of them because for a while i was dating both at the same time. i chose Sean, the guy that lives here, and let me tell you something… in ALL of the relationships i have ever been in, I have NEVER been happier. he is everything i’ve always wanted rolled into one handsome man. 

he’s country, he’s tall, he’s white, he has a gorgeous body, he’s a gentleman, he loves me, he never disrespects me, he loves dogs, he loves to two step, he’s a fun drunk, he tells me how beautiful i am everyday, we cant stand being away from each other for more than a day, he’s hilarious, he thinks i’m hilarious, he wants to take me everywhere, i want to take him to CA asap!, he’s everything i’ve ever wanted for myself. we are both convinced that this is it. no more trying to date. i’ve NEVER felt that way. when im in a relationship it’s usually shitty and i always think of what else is out there for me and with Sean I can’t even imagine there being anyone more perfect for me. i just cant. he’s it and i am willing to do anything for him to keep him in my life. all the feelings for anyone it didn’t work out with are gone. my therapist has taught me so much and i am so thankful to start this relationship with sean out of pure love for each other. that’s all it is. we have fun because we know we’re it. it sounds crazy, but when you know, you know. and if i’m wrong… and in a couple months or years or whatever i blog about how we broke up… i’m turning into a lesbian. hahaha :P

i am happy. thats it. thats my life. 

May 9, 2012

ive been having such an awesome time in SD. it’s helped me forget about all the shitty things i left behind in NM which i know i will have to face once i go back home. that sucks. i swear i’ve drank an entire keg by myself this past week that i’ve been here. i missed all my friends so much and i’m so happy i’m getting to reunite with them. i feel happy. i haven’t text Kiel yet, i know i want to but i need space to do my own thing. i still have my moments where i think about james and ive been thinking of the good times lately, but i think that only makes me stronger because i don’t give in. i’m training myself all over again to be okay without him. i love him but i always thought loving someone means fighting to keep them, and i was wrong. loving someone, actually having love for someone, means wanting whats best for them and their lives, even if it doesnt include you. i still love james, as much as i hate him, i do love him and i do want the world for him. he was a huge part of my life and i’m learning every day from it. he’s a huge part of my life that i have to let pass because he’s not someone i can be with and that’s probably the hardest thing i’ve ever had to tell myself because i had so much faith in him. i just have to keep saying it out loud. james wasn’t the guy for me. james wasn’t the guy for me. james wasn’t the guy for me…

every day is a lesson learned and i’m trying my best to keep chugging along. i’ll continue pushing myself until i’m finally where i’m supposed to be. 

May 7, 2012

I met a great guy out here the day I flew into town. His name is Kiel and he’s 26 and works for LAPD. Alex and I were at Surf Hut in Imperial Beach and he came up to me and we started talking. The first thing I noticed is how freaking tall he is. He’s 6’3, white with gorgeous blue eyes and blonde hair. I was his arm rest pretty much because he was so tall, and hes built. Anyways, he asked me out to dinner that night and he came to pick me up from my house with flowers. We went to the yardhouse for dinner and we laughed the entire time, it was such a fun time. 

I always seem to fuck it up though. this guy is amazing and there isn’t anything wrong with him at all, he’s hot and so charming, but i think every single fucking guy is like james and i’m so sick of it. i’m sick of treating guys that actually deserve a chance with me, like shit because i’m scared they’re going to fuck me over as bad as james did. i’m tired of thinking of him and hating him for what he’s done to me. i started believing that every guy is going to cheat on me the moment we’re not hanging out together and i feel myself doing that to Kiel. It’s so stupid, i shouldn’t be like this at all. I need to give Kiel the benefit of the doubt. I’m pushing him away, i can feel it and i don’t want to at all. i told Kiel about my last relationship and how unhealthy it was for me and how much it really just messed me up completely and he understood and he keeps reassuring me that he’s not going to do that to me and that we should just keep hanging out one on one and see what we want to do. 

right now we’re giving each other space so that we can both just figure out if we want to actually start dating and if i’m even ready for it. i just honestly can’t stand going through another heartbreak, not this early. i’m taking my time and letting life take it’s toll. if it’s not meant to be then i will accept it and be so thankful i met someone like Kiel because he truly is incredibly amazing.